Grades! And, uh, fetuses.

Got my grades for this first quarter... Holy crap! I am a genius! In English I got a 3.5. In Biology I got a 3.8 and in Math I got a 4.0! GPA for the quarter was 3.78, which means I'm on the honor roll.

I'm so proud of myself!

---

There was one thing that happened last quarter that I didn't write about. A five minute time span in which I possibly should have been disturbed or saddened, but I wasn't. To those who might be sensitive about death and babies, be warned.

In bio we were learning about animal development and my teacher offered to let us see the school's collection of, uh, fetuses. I have no idea how to make that sound less disturbing. Our School's Fetus Collection! Not that they showed them off in front of company or anything like that. It was All In The Name Of Science. There were unborn babies of all stages of development, from one to eight months gestation. The fetuses were either miscarried, or the mother had passed away, and the parent opted to donate the remains. Our teacher let us decide whether or not we wanted to see them.

I did and I didn't. My inner Christian School Girl went, "Ew, dead babies, gross!" My inner nerd thought it would be fascinating. I decided to go because some day I will have to deal with death, miscarriage, and stillbirth and this was my chance to dip my toe in the water, so to speak.

So a small group of us went to see. And there they were. They looked just like the pictures I've seen for my doula courses. Several jars lined up for our inspection, each containing a woman's child who didn't survive to be born. From arm buds and gills to perfect little fingers and toes and ears, there they were. And while others were sad for those lost lives, some trying to connect this experience to abortion, I was... Well, I was curious about their stories. I wanted to know what happened, why they didn't make it, who they were. I grieved a little for their parents, for the loss they experienced. Mostly, though, I felt grateful. I recognize that is an odd emotion to have around dead babies, but there it is. I was grateful to those parents for, in what must have been an extremely difficult time, giving us students a chance to learn.

It was extremely fascinating, I have to admit.

There it is. I saw some fetuses. I didn't cry or get emotional or nauseated. It was an interesting experience and that's that.

Finals and a confession.

Finals are next week. Seriously. How fast did this quarter go? It seems like just a couple of weeks ago I was breaking open my first pack of note cards. Now all of a sudden it's over?

I really didn't think I was that nervous about finals. I suppose I am since over the past week I have consistently woken myself up around three a.m. doing algebra equations in my head. I've already done my in-class final essay for English and turned in my portfolio to the teacher. (The essay, get this, was on the spiritual awakening and life lessons learned of Enzo, a DOG, in the book The Art of Racing in the Rain. Screwy but true.) I have my math final on Tuesday, biology final on Wednesday and then that's it.

Oh, I have my very first study group planned for Monday afternoon! K is my math class buddy. We met each other somewhere toward the beginning of the quarter and have been inseparable since then. Our professor jokingly threatened to separate us for a "group quiz" and we pouted our way out of it. She is like the conservative, Californian, Starbucks barista version of me and we are running away together to join Doctors Without Borders when we're done with school.

My grades so far are good. My math dropped a little after that little swine flu incident. That's at a 95%. Same with Biology. English is at a 92% right now but I'm hoping my last two essays brought that up a bit. I'll find out next week!

*****

End of my first quarter emotional check-in...

Since this is my journal and I can write whatever I want, I'm going to tell you... It's been rough. Not as bad as I thought it would be, and not as bad as people predicted, but pretty bad. Some nights I lay in bed, using all of my doula encouragement skills to talk myself out of panicking. "Oh god, I don't think I can do seven years of this, I can't do it anymore, full time work and full time school, was I crazy?! Someone tell me it's okay to stop!" And then I would reply, practically beaming with positiveness, "You can do, you're already doing it! Look how far you've come! You're doing so well, I'm so proud of you! Your grades are awesome and you've kept up with homework and work-work and house-work and you're really, really doing it!" This last week has been the worst because of the whole "awake for the day at three in the morning" thing. I'm exhausted to the core. Phil walked me out yesterday morning (as he does every morning) and I turned to him and said, "I can't do it." And I cried. And he hugged me and said all the things I've been telling myself - I'm doing such a good job, I don't need to stress, it's only two more school days and then I can relax. Coming from him, it was more believable.

I can do this. I am doing it. I will succeed. I just keep reminding myself, I'm not only doing this for me - other lives will change, too. I'm doing this for all the women I will love and support to the best of my ability in making their birth dreams come true. I'm doing it for their children, to give their mothers the tools to bring them the most loving, peaceful entrance into this world we can. I'm doing it for my now-family and future-family, to give them the financial stability I never had as a kid. I'm doing this so, in my own way, I can change the world.

I will continue to be strong for all of our sakes.

I can do it.

The most frustrating thing.

Yes, I have the swine flu. Just thought I should get that out of the way!

In one hour I'll be registering for Winter quarter classes. Every one of my science classes is wait-listed. Gah!

The most frustrating thing about this whole experience so far hasn't been waking up early, going to classes or having a lot of homework, or even the fact that I'm exhausted ALL.THE.TIME. now... It's figuring out the next steps. I went to a transfer adviser on Monday to see what she suggested. NOT MUCH HELP. The nursing program at my school is a TWO YEAR WAIT at this point. I have so many sub-optimal options... All I want to do is be a midwife!

I can either hang out at community college, taking classes toward a general AA while I wait for a spot in the nursing program to open up. Once I get my Associates in Nursing, I can get a Bachelors from anywhere in ANYTHING and still qualify for the Midwifery program at Philadelphia University. Or I can finish some pre-reqs here, take a required year at Eastern Washington University to get (possibly) into the nursing program at a downtown intercollegiate campus (that only accepts 120 students a year) where I can get my Bachelors in nursing. Or I can say "fuck it" and finish my pre-reqs for Seattle School of Midwifery/Bastyr University and become a direct entry midwife in three years - the least desirable option since I wouldn't be able to work in a hospital setting.

This is what keeps me up at night. This fear that I'll make the wrong decision and screw up my career path FOREVER. That, or I'll waste time and be in school for more than the seven years it should take. What do I choose? Which classes do I sign up for? What school should I go to? I feel dizzy and sick just thinking about it.

Then again, that could be the swine flu.

My, my, the time does fly.

When I started this blog, I meant to update it once a week. That way I could visualize my progress, and use it to spur me on if I hit a slump.

Hah. HAHAHA.

Do you know how much energy it takes to work full time and take 16 college credits? A lot. A real lot. I feel so spread thin. All the defenses I've built against the outside world have absolutely shattered. All the demons I thought I'd exorcised have popped up at one point or another in the past couple of months. I'm exhausted! My idea of a good time has been reduced to staring at a book. Not actually reading it, just staring at the words and knowing I don't have to read them if I don't want to! I don't even have the energy to sing while folding clothes, if you can believe that.

Despite it all, I'm happy. Ecstatic, to be truthful. Look where I am! An ex-drug addict, ex-homeless person, ex-abused girlfriend... I'm going to school! Gonna be someone! That timid religious fanatic turned crazy druggie is now an honest to god responsible citizen!

My grades, by the way, are fabulous. I'm getting a 95% or better in math and biology. English is above a 90% - I'm hoping to work on that with this next paper. I'm really, honestly getting it. Go me!

To be fair, there's no way I could have done this alone. Phil is a saint. Did you know that man wakes up early every morning to make me coffee and warm up my car? He allows the occasional pity party but for the most part I don't need him to say anything. He is what he's always been - my rock. Just knowing he's there, pitching in silently with housework, cooking dinner nearly every night because I've got to focus on homework... I am the luckiest woman alive.

By the way, I thought of a new "slogan" for my business, if I ever start a home birth business. "Changing the world by changing the way we come into it." I'm determined to make a difference, dammit. You'll see!

Stubborn.

I get stubborn. My last name has the word "mule" in it. Stubborn runs in my family. It's hard being stubborn, and it's doubly hard being stubborn and in school.

High school was a nightmare for me. I got the information. I understood completely. I just couldn't figure out why I would ever need to know it. That got under my skin and I dug my feet in. I slowly stopped doing homework or projects. I aced tests. The further I got, the worse my grades were because, WHY?! Why did I need to know the capital of every state? It's not like I would be visiting them all in my Winnebago some day. Why did I need to know how to write a five paragraph essay? Couldn't I just WRITE? I hated it, hated it, hated it.

I did end up graduating, barely. It frustrated my teachers and parents to no end. A smart girl who wouldn't "apply" herself.

And here I am, in school again, feeling that old familiar stubbornness. When am I ever in life going to need to know the difference between a rhombus and a parallelogram? What does that have to do with midwifery? I'm itching to get to the nitty gritty, get my hands on a few bellies, catch a few babies.

I know, I know. I've got to learn these basics so the advanced stuff makes sense. The problem is, I get bored and distracted.

English is going well because our essays have been interesting and I get to really think about things I'm reading and writing. Biology is fantastic. I really understand the why's and how's of basic biology and the more detail we go into, the more fascinating I find it. I know why I need to know about cells and atoms and the like. When something goes wrong at any level, the whole organism suffers.

My only problem... It's math. Even in high school it was my worst subject. It drives me up the wall.

Every day I have to force myself to do it, and do it RIGHT. I have gotten 100% on every homework so far, and 99% on our first exam. But it's draining and irritating. A friend at school (and what an unexpected treasure she's been!) said someday I may be giving a patient a pill and suddenly exclaim, "Oh! Did you know this pill is a rhombus shape?" She reminds me to try to inject humor into every situation and that works pretty well...

But the best cure, the only real cure, is the reminder that I need to do this to get to where I want to go. Failure truly isn't an option. If I fail, I don't get to be a midwife.

As I sat in the lunch room at work, scowling over geometry, a coworker rushed up to me. She gasped, "How do you make someone have a baby!?" I laughed and told her I was sure she was old enough to know about the birds and the bees. She laughed, too, and told me a family member was overdue and they wanted to induce her.

So I listed off the options (acupuncture, pressure points, red raspberry leaf tea, get a pedicure, make out with your partner, have sex). You know what? It felt so good. It felt so good to know that answer, to be sharing that knowledge, to be helping someone.

When I went back to my homework, I was smiling. I know why I have to do this. I do. And I'll do it. I'll figure out the area of a four foot wide pool deck with lengths of 36 feet and 28 feet. I'll do it because the only thing between me and my dreams is my own damn self.

And those freaking rhombuses.

Fall!

Really? Has it been two weeks since I started school? Already? Time is just flying by!

So far all my quizzes and homeworks have yielded A's. Either I'm really getting a grasp on the material, or I already knew it but forgot that I did.

The best way I've found of studying is to try and tell other people about it. Poor Phil gets to hear all about biology, over and over. Climbing into bed one night, yawning, I said, "I'm going to try and get some sleep... But first let me tell you the properties of life." It does help though - if I can explain it to someone else, that means I really, truly know it!

Honestly? I'm loving this. I love being busy and productive. I'm tired a lot, but so happy and content. I feel super organized and prepared for everything that's come up. My Virgo side is tickled!

---

Fall, my favorite season.

Today is the perfect fall day. It's chilly out - refreshing and revitalizing after a long hot summer, but not yet oppressive like the cold becomes later in winter. The wind is picking up, tugging the newly turned leaves off the trees and scattering them in lawns and on the street. The furnace kicked in last night, sending a steady blast of warm, burnt-dust air into the house. I love that burnt-dust smell, for whatever reason. I think it reminds me of lighting the first fire in the fireplace when I was young. The way the dust that had accumulated over the summer had to burn away, getting ready for the cold months ahead. This is the time I feel most connected to everything - the wind and the earth and the leaves and the chill.

It's a beautiful time, for me, and this fall more than most. I've taken the first step toward making my dreams come true. I'm in a supportive relationship with an amazing man, for which no words can express my appreciation. I'm taking my life into my own hands, for once. My heart is swelling with love and gratitude and pride. After so many years of wandering in the dark, I've finally found myself back on the path. There's nothing so amazing as that.

Guh.

First week of school. Excuse me, but you may have to communicate in a series of grunts and hand gestures as my mind seems to have liquefied.

I honestly meant to write after my first day but, wow. School, work, home to do my online class and homework and then it was bedtime already! Barely any time for dinner!

So much information... So many new experiences... So many new people and ideas and places... So much crammed into five little days. All I can say is TGIF!

This first week has been exhausting but deeply satisfying. My professors are clever, witty people who obviously love what they do. The homework hasn't been overwhelming at all - I've completed every assignment so far either on time or before. Things I didn't even know I knew - like how to multiply decimals - have been slowly surfacing. Oh dear, my clever seems to be showing!

The exhaustion stems mostly from my change in schedules. Instead of a leisurely nine a.m. clock-in time, I'm in my first class at 7:30. I go straight from school to work, and leave there at 7:30 p.m. That's right people - twelve hour days.

Also, I'm a Virgo. My routine is everything, and my routine has been severely disturbed. This has made me ever-so-slightly cranky. That, and the fact that I haven't had one second to keep up with housework and things are starting to pile up... Guh.

But I'm learning and adapting and I'll make it through. I have no doubts.

Orientation, novels, and bouts of doubts.

I had orientation for school this week. It was really, really great. They said people who take the FYI "class" (yes, we get a credit for attending) are more likely to succeed at school. I can see why! They gave us test taking tips and note taking tips. We attended mock classes and workshops on different topics. It really was incredibly helpful and a good way to introduce new students to what they're getting themselves into.

---

Speaking of "getting myself into", I've been getting the jitters. Over the last week I've had so many moments of, "My god, what have I done?!" The doubt, people. It is tough to combat. I've wanted this for so long, yet now that it's here, I'm getting a little scared.

I haven't lost my resolve. I'm just as determined as ever to do this. But my fierce, total blind optimism has been tarnished, a bit. The practical things are weighing on me: being in school full-time, working full-time, homework, sleep... not to mention, how will I ever keep up with the housework?! And I'm going to be doing this for at least six or seven years! I know I've got a great support system, and Phil will jump in and help when asked, but still... Wow. What a lot I've got on my plate. Self-inflicted, admittedly.

It helps to hear that people believe in me. I've been hearing it quite a bit, and it's definitely a boost. People have loaned me books about how to get through nursing school. I've gotten encouraging emails. Phil tells me at least once a day, in his calm, matter-of-fact way, that he knows I won't have any problems. That man is, and has always been, my rock.

---

I have gotten two of my school books in the mail already. One of my required English 101 books is a novel written by a Pacific Northwest author. It's called The Art of Racing in the Rain, by Garth Stein. By the cover and what I'd heard about the book, I was a little blah about reading it. I picked it up reluctantly yesterday with the intent of reading a couple pages to see if it would be an easy read.

I DID NOT PUT THE BOOK DOWN.

Do you hear that, people? I honestly, seriously, read the entire book last night. The whole thing, start to finish. I couldn't stop reading. The voice of the book is beautiful, the ideas and images are captivating, haunting and lovely. It didn't hurt that a few chapters in the mentioned midwives and home birth in an extremely positive light! There were points when I yelled with frustration at the situation the characters found themselves in, and points where I cried because it was just too beautiful. This book sang to me in a way no book has in a very, very long time.

I suggest reading it. Please do, if you can. I promise it will not disappoint.

---

A week from Monday. September 21st. My birthday, and my first day of school.

I'm ready. Let's do this!

So grateful...

I haven't even started my journey yet, and already I feel like Someone Out There is watching out for me.

Because of the whole 30 day wait for my financial aid check, I needed a little help with books and school supplies. I got the brilliant idea to hold a Garage Desk Sale at work. I brought in a bunch of books I don't read anymore, and some odds 'n' ends to "sell." I wrote in the classifieds at work that it was for donations to help me get my school books and such. Phil, my boyfriend, thought it was a cheesy idea and didn't think much would come out of it.

HAH! I have never been more happy to prove him wrong!

By the end of this week, I will have made almost $100! All the books have sold, and most of the toys. In addition to the great outpouring of love and support from my friends at work, I got a donation from a complete stranger in the form of...

SCHOOL BOOKS!

That's right - someone donated her old school books to me! I have a huge box full of biology, chemistry, A&P, and medical texts! Even some medical terminology flash cards!

Wow. Just... Wow! I couldn't believe how much people are rooting for me!

Another good bit of news... Our room mates are moving out (that's not the good news!) and we have decided to look for a new room mate instead of trying to shoulder the rent payment on our own. I put another ad in the classifieds about it and within two hours someone had come to me with the PERFECT solution.

Her husband is working on his PhD. He needs office space outside their home, away from their five-year-old daughter. She has a penchant for coloring all over his books and papers. She said he might be interested in renting out our upstairs as his study/workspace! Do you know how great that would be for us? Someone who would allow us our private time, but would be paying rent. Someone who knows the value of quiet study time. Someone who would, at the end of the day, be almost a ghost!

This isn't a done deal but if you could keep your fingers and toes and etc crossed, I'd appreciate it very much!

Things are just falling into place. I was giddy today, telling Phil what happened. "Why are you surprised? This is what you asked for," he said. It's true. It feels like that mysterious Someone Out There is paving the way for my dream to come true, in ways I never even imagined were possible!

I'm so grateful and so happy. And ready to go! Twenty more days...

One month!

One month until I start school. One month, people. It feels like it's been coming for ages! My new adventure awaits!

Why did I choose midwifery? It's all, "Boil some water and get some clean towels. You, lay down in the hay and bite on this stick!" right?

Well, no. Not really.

First misconception: midwives are strictly used in home births. Not anymore! More and more hospitals are staffing midwives and opening alternative birthing centers. My hope is to work in a hospital setting for a few years (after I get my nursing degree, during my midwifery studies) before starting or being part of an off-site birthing clinic.

Second misconception: midwives are old witchy ladies who bring a stick for you to bite and not much else. No way! Midwives are trained professionals. They have an array of tools in their arsenal, and plenty of knowledge in emergency situations. Even at a home birth!

Third misconception: midwives aren't as fully trained as doctors and are dangerous. No, no, no! Midwives cannot perform cesarean births, that's true. But midwives can typically prevent them in the first place! This study compared births at an alternative birthing center to births in a hospital setting. There were no more maternal deaths in the midwifery clinic than in the hospital. Neonatal ICU admissions for both were similar. But midwife care had a greater number of vaginal (vs cesarean) deliveries, and a lower instance of epidural use. For low-risk women, there were less "technical" interventions (epidural, augmentation) at the birthing center than at the hospital. And in quite a few cases, those "technical" interventions snowball, one after another, right in to cesarean births.

So midwifery is good, yes? I believe so. Yes I do.

My first memory involving pregnancy was visiting my eight-months-pregnant aunt when I was seven or so. She showed me her belly and explained where the baby was. She let me touch her belly and I remember so clearly thinking, "Wow, it's not soft like I thought it would be. It's like there's a basketball in her tummy!"

That moment sparked my fascination with pregnancy and childbirth.

I thought being a doula would assuge that thirst for knowledge and allow me to serve and uplift women as best I could. Well, it has, but at the same time... I know I can do more. I have the brains and the compassion to do this. I have the passion to take this love of women and desire to help them succeed and push myself to the next level.

I want to heal the birth experience in this country. I want labor and birth to be a loving, safe, beautiful experience. I want women to get in touch with their strength and power - strength most don't know they posess! - and create an environment of their choosing to bring their children into this world. I want women to get involved in the process, empowering themselves and their families.

I can do this. One month more month and there's no looking back!

Kerfuffle!

There was a bit of a kerfuffle regarding my financial aid. Ooh, the panicking that ensued!

Apparently I didn't take an online credit responsibility test for my loans? I swear, I've never heard of such a thing. Then again, the last time I was in college - a decade ago - I paid for my two classes out of pocket. The letter offered me work study and about $450 in state needs grants. I couldn't even imagine working full time, taking 16 credits, and doing work study to cover my tuition. Panic!

Everything is taken care of now, hopefully!

I'm waiting on a new letter letting me know the amount they'll cover. Then there's a 30 day wait after the first day of school before they disburse checks. School starts in just about a month. I'm hoping we can scrape together enough to buy books at least. Getting a laptop can wait, I think.

In other news, we picked up an old roll-top desk from my mother. You know, for studying purposes. It's slowly coming together. Pens, desk calendar, day planner, highlighters, notebooks... All that's missing right now is a desk lamp and, oh yeah, a chair might be nice! :D In the immortal words of Tim Gunn, we'll "make it work!"

I'm so excited! C'mon, September!

you're a... what now?

What is a doula?

Whenever I drop the word "doula" casually into a conversation, it's usually followed by a blank stare.

A doula is, generally, a labor coach. The word "doula" comes from old timey Greek, meaning "woman who serves" and was a slave who helped the lady of the house through childbearing and birth. These days a doula is generally the same, minus the slave bit.

There are actually two types of doula. A birth or labor doula is a woman who will sit with you while you try to tear her arm off in the middle of labor and try to beat her to death with it. AND she will usually smile and encourage you to do it, if it helps. A postpartum doula is a little different. This woman will come into your house, help with meals and chores and childcare while you get a chance to bond with your newest addition. Some women are trained in both labor and postpartum care.

What are the benefits of hiring a doula?

A doula is a woman experineced in childbirth who will provide you with continuous support through out your labor - physical, emotional, and informational. According to the book Mothering the Mother, by Kennell, Klaus, and Kennell, studies have shown women who choose to have a doula present at their births may benefit in the following ways:

50% reduction in cesarean rates
25% shorter labor
40% reduction in the use of oxytocin (pitocin)
60% reduction in epidural requests
40% reduction in forceps delivery
30% reduction in the use of pain medications

If you want to try a natural labor, a doula is a must! She will be your advocate, your coach, your gopher, your personal masseuse. She will be the one with your birth plan in hand, helping you follow it to the best of your ability. What she will not do is take the place of your significant other. In fact, doulas are trained to get your partner more involved, if that's your wish!

But I want an epidural! Can I still hire a doula?

For sure!

Most doulas will support you, no matter what you include in your birth plan! The only catch, for me at least, is that you know the risks and benefits of each intervention before you go into labor.

All right, but how much is this going to cost me?

Depending on where you live, the rate could be anywhere from $200 to $700. Some doulas will accept payment on a sliding scale. If you can find a doula student, she may offer her services for free, just for the experience!

---

I love being a doula. I love the idea of helping women acheive their dream births. It's empowering, and life altering, and sacred. Unfortunately, working full time and going to school full time means I won't been able to support women like I'd like to. But it's all for the better good, my dears.

Next up... Some personal info about yours truly!

Nice to meet you!

My name is Katrina. I'm a certified labor doula through Childbirth International.

My birthday this year will mark the beginning of a brand new journey. I'll be starting school all over again, at the age of twenty-nine.

I'm going to be a certified nurse midwife.

I can hear the questions now! Why a midwife? What's a doula? Where are my pants?

There will be answers, I promise! For now though...

Nice to meet you!