Finals and a confession.

Finals are next week. Seriously. How fast did this quarter go? It seems like just a couple of weeks ago I was breaking open my first pack of note cards. Now all of a sudden it's over?

I really didn't think I was that nervous about finals. I suppose I am since over the past week I have consistently woken myself up around three a.m. doing algebra equations in my head. I've already done my in-class final essay for English and turned in my portfolio to the teacher. (The essay, get this, was on the spiritual awakening and life lessons learned of Enzo, a DOG, in the book The Art of Racing in the Rain. Screwy but true.) I have my math final on Tuesday, biology final on Wednesday and then that's it.

Oh, I have my very first study group planned for Monday afternoon! K is my math class buddy. We met each other somewhere toward the beginning of the quarter and have been inseparable since then. Our professor jokingly threatened to separate us for a "group quiz" and we pouted our way out of it. She is like the conservative, Californian, Starbucks barista version of me and we are running away together to join Doctors Without Borders when we're done with school.

My grades so far are good. My math dropped a little after that little swine flu incident. That's at a 95%. Same with Biology. English is at a 92% right now but I'm hoping my last two essays brought that up a bit. I'll find out next week!

*****

End of my first quarter emotional check-in...

Since this is my journal and I can write whatever I want, I'm going to tell you... It's been rough. Not as bad as I thought it would be, and not as bad as people predicted, but pretty bad. Some nights I lay in bed, using all of my doula encouragement skills to talk myself out of panicking. "Oh god, I don't think I can do seven years of this, I can't do it anymore, full time work and full time school, was I crazy?! Someone tell me it's okay to stop!" And then I would reply, practically beaming with positiveness, "You can do, you're already doing it! Look how far you've come! You're doing so well, I'm so proud of you! Your grades are awesome and you've kept up with homework and work-work and house-work and you're really, really doing it!" This last week has been the worst because of the whole "awake for the day at three in the morning" thing. I'm exhausted to the core. Phil walked me out yesterday morning (as he does every morning) and I turned to him and said, "I can't do it." And I cried. And he hugged me and said all the things I've been telling myself - I'm doing such a good job, I don't need to stress, it's only two more school days and then I can relax. Coming from him, it was more believable.

I can do this. I am doing it. I will succeed. I just keep reminding myself, I'm not only doing this for me - other lives will change, too. I'm doing this for all the women I will love and support to the best of my ability in making their birth dreams come true. I'm doing it for their children, to give their mothers the tools to bring them the most loving, peaceful entrance into this world we can. I'm doing it for my now-family and future-family, to give them the financial stability I never had as a kid. I'm doing this so, in my own way, I can change the world.

I will continue to be strong for all of our sakes.

I can do it.