Tomorrow morning I have an appointment to find out what the results of my spinal fluid flow MRI was. Thinking about it leaves me breathless: what if they find something abnormal? What if they don't?
If my spinal fluid flow is blocked, it likely means I'll be heading to surgery soon. Brain surgery. If there's not a blockage, we are back to square one. All of my symptoms appeared mysteriously out of nowhere, with no explanation, and no way to resolve them.
The past week has been stressful. Personal issues, relationship issues, living space issues, not to mention my mystery symptoms worsening. A couple of days ago my left foot stopped moving. Just stopped, for no reason. I could feel my foot - it wasn't "asleep." There were no pins and needles. My foot felt a little cold, but that was it. I tried to move my muscles and they simply did not respond. It lasted about five minutes, but it felt like an eternity. I lifted my leg to the couch and gently rotated my foot and pushed on my toes. Ever so slowly, my foot remembered how to work. My toes still have trouble wiggling but at least it's not permanently paralyzed. I'm so, so afraid that it's going to happen again but next time it'll be my whole leg. Then my body. Then my respiratory system... Sleep comes hard when you're afraid you'll quit breathing and never wake up.
Today my perception of temperature wigged out. I felt like I was burning up, then suddenly felt I was taking an ice bath. The thermometer read a constant 96.0 degrees. I felt dizzy, my head was pounding, my heart was pounding... Not a great day, all in all.
I just want answers. That's all. Some hope that this isn't permanent. Some day I will feel like a normal person again. Where I can go grocery shopping without my back feeling like it's on fire after a few minutes. Days when I can go a full day without a headache, or napping because the pain is too overwhelming to stay conscious one more minute.
Hopefully tomorrow there will be answers... I don't know if I have the energy to hope much longer.
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