Yes, I have the swine flu. Just thought I should get that out of the way!
In one hour I'll be registering for Winter quarter classes. Every one of my science classes is wait-listed. Gah!
The most frustrating thing about this whole experience so far hasn't been waking up early, going to classes or having a lot of homework, or even the fact that I'm exhausted ALL.THE.TIME. now... It's figuring out the next steps. I went to a transfer adviser on Monday to see what she suggested. NOT MUCH HELP. The nursing program at my school is a TWO YEAR WAIT at this point. I have so many sub-optimal options... All I want to do is be a midwife!
I can either hang out at community college, taking classes toward a general AA while I wait for a spot in the nursing program to open up. Once I get my Associates in Nursing, I can get a Bachelors from anywhere in ANYTHING and still qualify for the Midwifery program at Philadelphia University. Or I can finish some pre-reqs here, take a required year at Eastern Washington University to get (possibly) into the nursing program at a downtown intercollegiate campus (that only accepts 120 students a year) where I can get my Bachelors in nursing. Or I can say "fuck it" and finish my pre-reqs for Seattle School of Midwifery/Bastyr University and become a direct entry midwife in three years - the least desirable option since I wouldn't be able to work in a hospital setting.
This is what keeps me up at night. This fear that I'll make the wrong decision and screw up my career path FOREVER. That, or I'll waste time and be in school for more than the seven years it should take. What do I choose? Which classes do I sign up for? What school should I go to? I feel dizzy and sick just thinking about it.
Then again, that could be the swine flu.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
My, my, the time does fly.
When I started this blog, I meant to update it once a week. That way I could visualize my progress, and use it to spur me on if I hit a slump.
Hah. HAHAHA.
Do you know how much energy it takes to work full time and take 16 college credits? A lot. A real lot. I feel so spread thin. All the defenses I've built against the outside world have absolutely shattered. All the demons I thought I'd exorcised have popped up at one point or another in the past couple of months. I'm exhausted! My idea of a good time has been reduced to staring at a book. Not actually reading it, just staring at the words and knowing I don't have to read them if I don't want to! I don't even have the energy to sing while folding clothes, if you can believe that.
Despite it all, I'm happy. Ecstatic, to be truthful. Look where I am! An ex-drug addict, ex-homeless person, ex-abused girlfriend... I'm going to school! Gonna be someone! That timid religious fanatic turned crazy druggie is now an honest to god responsible citizen!
My grades, by the way, are fabulous. I'm getting a 95% or better in math and biology. English is above a 90% - I'm hoping to work on that with this next paper. I'm really, honestly getting it. Go me!
To be fair, there's no way I could have done this alone. Phil is a saint. Did you know that man wakes up early every morning to make me coffee and warm up my car? He allows the occasional pity party but for the most part I don't need him to say anything. He is what he's always been - my rock. Just knowing he's there, pitching in silently with housework, cooking dinner nearly every night because I've got to focus on homework... I am the luckiest woman alive.
By the way, I thought of a new "slogan" for my business, if I ever start a home birth business. "Changing the world by changing the way we come into it." I'm determined to make a difference, dammit. You'll see!
Hah. HAHAHA.
Do you know how much energy it takes to work full time and take 16 college credits? A lot. A real lot. I feel so spread thin. All the defenses I've built against the outside world have absolutely shattered. All the demons I thought I'd exorcised have popped up at one point or another in the past couple of months. I'm exhausted! My idea of a good time has been reduced to staring at a book. Not actually reading it, just staring at the words and knowing I don't have to read them if I don't want to! I don't even have the energy to sing while folding clothes, if you can believe that.
Despite it all, I'm happy. Ecstatic, to be truthful. Look where I am! An ex-drug addict, ex-homeless person, ex-abused girlfriend... I'm going to school! Gonna be someone! That timid religious fanatic turned crazy druggie is now an honest to god responsible citizen!
My grades, by the way, are fabulous. I'm getting a 95% or better in math and biology. English is above a 90% - I'm hoping to work on that with this next paper. I'm really, honestly getting it. Go me!
To be fair, there's no way I could have done this alone. Phil is a saint. Did you know that man wakes up early every morning to make me coffee and warm up my car? He allows the occasional pity party but for the most part I don't need him to say anything. He is what he's always been - my rock. Just knowing he's there, pitching in silently with housework, cooking dinner nearly every night because I've got to focus on homework... I am the luckiest woman alive.
By the way, I thought of a new "slogan" for my business, if I ever start a home birth business. "Changing the world by changing the way we come into it." I'm determined to make a difference, dammit. You'll see!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Stubborn.
I get stubborn. My last name has the word "mule" in it. Stubborn runs in my family. It's hard being stubborn, and it's doubly hard being stubborn and in school.
High school was a nightmare for me. I got the information. I understood completely. I just couldn't figure out why I would ever need to know it. That got under my skin and I dug my feet in. I slowly stopped doing homework or projects. I aced tests. The further I got, the worse my grades were because, WHY?! Why did I need to know the capital of every state? It's not like I would be visiting them all in my Winnebago some day. Why did I need to know how to write a five paragraph essay? Couldn't I just WRITE? I hated it, hated it, hated it.
I did end up graduating, barely. It frustrated my teachers and parents to no end. A smart girl who wouldn't "apply" herself.
And here I am, in school again, feeling that old familiar stubbornness. When am I ever in life going to need to know the difference between a rhombus and a parallelogram? What does that have to do with midwifery? I'm itching to get to the nitty gritty, get my hands on a few bellies, catch a few babies.
I know, I know. I've got to learn these basics so the advanced stuff makes sense. The problem is, I get bored and distracted.
English is going well because our essays have been interesting and I get to really think about things I'm reading and writing. Biology is fantastic. I really understand the why's and how's of basic biology and the more detail we go into, the more fascinating I find it. I know why I need to know about cells and atoms and the like. When something goes wrong at any level, the whole organism suffers.
My only problem... It's math. Even in high school it was my worst subject. It drives me up the wall.
Every day I have to force myself to do it, and do it RIGHT. I have gotten 100% on every homework so far, and 99% on our first exam. But it's draining and irritating. A friend at school (and what an unexpected treasure she's been!) said someday I may be giving a patient a pill and suddenly exclaim, "Oh! Did you know this pill is a rhombus shape?" She reminds me to try to inject humor into every situation and that works pretty well...
But the best cure, the only real cure, is the reminder that I need to do this to get to where I want to go. Failure truly isn't an option. If I fail, I don't get to be a midwife.
As I sat in the lunch room at work, scowling over geometry, a coworker rushed up to me. She gasped, "How do you make someone have a baby!?" I laughed and told her I was sure she was old enough to know about the birds and the bees. She laughed, too, and told me a family member was overdue and they wanted to induce her.
So I listed off the options (acupuncture, pressure points, red raspberry leaf tea, get a pedicure, make out with your partner, have sex). You know what? It felt so good. It felt so good to know that answer, to be sharing that knowledge, to be helping someone.
When I went back to my homework, I was smiling. I know why I have to do this. I do. And I'll do it. I'll figure out the area of a four foot wide pool deck with lengths of 36 feet and 28 feet. I'll do it because the only thing between me and my dreams is my own damn self.
And those freaking rhombuses.
High school was a nightmare for me. I got the information. I understood completely. I just couldn't figure out why I would ever need to know it. That got under my skin and I dug my feet in. I slowly stopped doing homework or projects. I aced tests. The further I got, the worse my grades were because, WHY?! Why did I need to know the capital of every state? It's not like I would be visiting them all in my Winnebago some day. Why did I need to know how to write a five paragraph essay? Couldn't I just WRITE? I hated it, hated it, hated it.
I did end up graduating, barely. It frustrated my teachers and parents to no end. A smart girl who wouldn't "apply" herself.
And here I am, in school again, feeling that old familiar stubbornness. When am I ever in life going to need to know the difference between a rhombus and a parallelogram? What does that have to do with midwifery? I'm itching to get to the nitty gritty, get my hands on a few bellies, catch a few babies.
I know, I know. I've got to learn these basics so the advanced stuff makes sense. The problem is, I get bored and distracted.
English is going well because our essays have been interesting and I get to really think about things I'm reading and writing. Biology is fantastic. I really understand the why's and how's of basic biology and the more detail we go into, the more fascinating I find it. I know why I need to know about cells and atoms and the like. When something goes wrong at any level, the whole organism suffers.
My only problem... It's math. Even in high school it was my worst subject. It drives me up the wall.
Every day I have to force myself to do it, and do it RIGHT. I have gotten 100% on every homework so far, and 99% on our first exam. But it's draining and irritating. A friend at school (and what an unexpected treasure she's been!) said someday I may be giving a patient a pill and suddenly exclaim, "Oh! Did you know this pill is a rhombus shape?" She reminds me to try to inject humor into every situation and that works pretty well...
But the best cure, the only real cure, is the reminder that I need to do this to get to where I want to go. Failure truly isn't an option. If I fail, I don't get to be a midwife.
As I sat in the lunch room at work, scowling over geometry, a coworker rushed up to me. She gasped, "How do you make someone have a baby!?" I laughed and told her I was sure she was old enough to know about the birds and the bees. She laughed, too, and told me a family member was overdue and they wanted to induce her.
So I listed off the options (acupuncture, pressure points, red raspberry leaf tea, get a pedicure, make out with your partner, have sex). You know what? It felt so good. It felt so good to know that answer, to be sharing that knowledge, to be helping someone.
When I went back to my homework, I was smiling. I know why I have to do this. I do. And I'll do it. I'll figure out the area of a four foot wide pool deck with lengths of 36 feet and 28 feet. I'll do it because the only thing between me and my dreams is my own damn self.
And those freaking rhombuses.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Fall!
Really? Has it been two weeks since I started school? Already? Time is just flying by!
So far all my quizzes and homeworks have yielded A's. Either I'm really getting a grasp on the material, or I already knew it but forgot that I did.
The best way I've found of studying is to try and tell other people about it. Poor Phil gets to hear all about biology, over and over. Climbing into bed one night, yawning, I said, "I'm going to try and get some sleep... But first let me tell you the properties of life." It does help though - if I can explain it to someone else, that means I really, truly know it!
Honestly? I'm loving this. I love being busy and productive. I'm tired a lot, but so happy and content. I feel super organized and prepared for everything that's come up. My Virgo side is tickled!
---
Fall, my favorite season.
Today is the perfect fall day. It's chilly out - refreshing and revitalizing after a long hot summer, but not yet oppressive like the cold becomes later in winter. The wind is picking up, tugging the newly turned leaves off the trees and scattering them in lawns and on the street. The furnace kicked in last night, sending a steady blast of warm, burnt-dust air into the house. I love that burnt-dust smell, for whatever reason. I think it reminds me of lighting the first fire in the fireplace when I was young. The way the dust that had accumulated over the summer had to burn away, getting ready for the cold months ahead. This is the time I feel most connected to everything - the wind and the earth and the leaves and the chill.
It's a beautiful time, for me, and this fall more than most. I've taken the first step toward making my dreams come true. I'm in a supportive relationship with an amazing man, for which no words can express my appreciation. I'm taking my life into my own hands, for once. My heart is swelling with love and gratitude and pride. After so many years of wandering in the dark, I've finally found myself back on the path. There's nothing so amazing as that.
So far all my quizzes and homeworks have yielded A's. Either I'm really getting a grasp on the material, or I already knew it but forgot that I did.
The best way I've found of studying is to try and tell other people about it. Poor Phil gets to hear all about biology, over and over. Climbing into bed one night, yawning, I said, "I'm going to try and get some sleep... But first let me tell you the properties of life." It does help though - if I can explain it to someone else, that means I really, truly know it!
Honestly? I'm loving this. I love being busy and productive. I'm tired a lot, but so happy and content. I feel super organized and prepared for everything that's come up. My Virgo side is tickled!
---
Fall, my favorite season.
Today is the perfect fall day. It's chilly out - refreshing and revitalizing after a long hot summer, but not yet oppressive like the cold becomes later in winter. The wind is picking up, tugging the newly turned leaves off the trees and scattering them in lawns and on the street. The furnace kicked in last night, sending a steady blast of warm, burnt-dust air into the house. I love that burnt-dust smell, for whatever reason. I think it reminds me of lighting the first fire in the fireplace when I was young. The way the dust that had accumulated over the summer had to burn away, getting ready for the cold months ahead. This is the time I feel most connected to everything - the wind and the earth and the leaves and the chill.
It's a beautiful time, for me, and this fall more than most. I've taken the first step toward making my dreams come true. I'm in a supportive relationship with an amazing man, for which no words can express my appreciation. I'm taking my life into my own hands, for once. My heart is swelling with love and gratitude and pride. After so many years of wandering in the dark, I've finally found myself back on the path. There's nothing so amazing as that.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Guh.
First week of school. Excuse me, but you may have to communicate in a series of grunts and hand gestures as my mind seems to have liquefied.
I honestly meant to write after my first day but, wow. School, work, home to do my online class and homework and then it was bedtime already! Barely any time for dinner!
So much information... So many new experiences... So many new people and ideas and places... So much crammed into five little days. All I can say is TGIF!
This first week has been exhausting but deeply satisfying. My professors are clever, witty people who obviously love what they do. The homework hasn't been overwhelming at all - I've completed every assignment so far either on time or before. Things I didn't even know I knew - like how to multiply decimals - have been slowly surfacing. Oh dear, my clever seems to be showing!
The exhaustion stems mostly from my change in schedules. Instead of a leisurely nine a.m. clock-in time, I'm in my first class at 7:30. I go straight from school to work, and leave there at 7:30 p.m. That's right people - twelve hour days.
Also, I'm a Virgo. My routine is everything, and my routine has been severely disturbed. This has made me ever-so-slightly cranky. That, and the fact that I haven't had one second to keep up with housework and things are starting to pile up... Guh.
But I'm learning and adapting and I'll make it through. I have no doubts.
I honestly meant to write after my first day but, wow. School, work, home to do my online class and homework and then it was bedtime already! Barely any time for dinner!
So much information... So many new experiences... So many new people and ideas and places... So much crammed into five little days. All I can say is TGIF!
This first week has been exhausting but deeply satisfying. My professors are clever, witty people who obviously love what they do. The homework hasn't been overwhelming at all - I've completed every assignment so far either on time or before. Things I didn't even know I knew - like how to multiply decimals - have been slowly surfacing. Oh dear, my clever seems to be showing!
The exhaustion stems mostly from my change in schedules. Instead of a leisurely nine a.m. clock-in time, I'm in my first class at 7:30. I go straight from school to work, and leave there at 7:30 p.m. That's right people - twelve hour days.
Also, I'm a Virgo. My routine is everything, and my routine has been severely disturbed. This has made me ever-so-slightly cranky. That, and the fact that I haven't had one second to keep up with housework and things are starting to pile up... Guh.
But I'm learning and adapting and I'll make it through. I have no doubts.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Orientation, novels, and bouts of doubts.
I had orientation for school this week. It was really, really great. They said people who take the FYI "class" (yes, we get a credit for attending) are more likely to succeed at school. I can see why! They gave us test taking tips and note taking tips. We attended mock classes and workshops on different topics. It really was incredibly helpful and a good way to introduce new students to what they're getting themselves into.
---
Speaking of "getting myself into", I've been getting the jitters. Over the last week I've had so many moments of, "My god, what have I done?!" The doubt, people. It is tough to combat. I've wanted this for so long, yet now that it's here, I'm getting a little scared.
I haven't lost my resolve. I'm just as determined as ever to do this. But my fierce, total blind optimism has been tarnished, a bit. The practical things are weighing on me: being in school full-time, working full-time, homework, sleep... not to mention, how will I ever keep up with the housework?! And I'm going to be doing this for at least six or seven years! I know I've got a great support system, and Phil will jump in and help when asked, but still... Wow. What a lot I've got on my plate. Self-inflicted, admittedly.
It helps to hear that people believe in me. I've been hearing it quite a bit, and it's definitely a boost. People have loaned me books about how to get through nursing school. I've gotten encouraging emails. Phil tells me at least once a day, in his calm, matter-of-fact way, that he knows I won't have any problems. That man is, and has always been, my rock.
---
I have gotten two of my school books in the mail already. One of my required English 101 books is a novel written by a Pacific Northwest author. It's called The Art of Racing in the Rain, by Garth Stein. By the cover and what I'd heard about the book, I was a little blah about reading it. I picked it up reluctantly yesterday with the intent of reading a couple pages to see if it would be an easy read.
I DID NOT PUT THE BOOK DOWN.
Do you hear that, people? I honestly, seriously, read the entire book last night. The whole thing, start to finish. I couldn't stop reading. The voice of the book is beautiful, the ideas and images are captivating, haunting and lovely. It didn't hurt that a few chapters in the mentioned midwives and home birth in an extremely positive light! There were points when I yelled with frustration at the situation the characters found themselves in, and points where I cried because it was just too beautiful. This book sang to me in a way no book has in a very, very long time.
I suggest reading it. Please do, if you can. I promise it will not disappoint.
---
A week from Monday. September 21st. My birthday, and my first day of school.
I'm ready. Let's do this!
---
Speaking of "getting myself into", I've been getting the jitters. Over the last week I've had so many moments of, "My god, what have I done?!" The doubt, people. It is tough to combat. I've wanted this for so long, yet now that it's here, I'm getting a little scared.
I haven't lost my resolve. I'm just as determined as ever to do this. But my fierce, total blind optimism has been tarnished, a bit. The practical things are weighing on me: being in school full-time, working full-time, homework, sleep... not to mention, how will I ever keep up with the housework?! And I'm going to be doing this for at least six or seven years! I know I've got a great support system, and Phil will jump in and help when asked, but still... Wow. What a lot I've got on my plate. Self-inflicted, admittedly.
It helps to hear that people believe in me. I've been hearing it quite a bit, and it's definitely a boost. People have loaned me books about how to get through nursing school. I've gotten encouraging emails. Phil tells me at least once a day, in his calm, matter-of-fact way, that he knows I won't have any problems. That man is, and has always been, my rock.
---
I have gotten two of my school books in the mail already. One of my required English 101 books is a novel written by a Pacific Northwest author. It's called The Art of Racing in the Rain, by Garth Stein. By the cover and what I'd heard about the book, I was a little blah about reading it. I picked it up reluctantly yesterday with the intent of reading a couple pages to see if it would be an easy read.
I DID NOT PUT THE BOOK DOWN.
Do you hear that, people? I honestly, seriously, read the entire book last night. The whole thing, start to finish. I couldn't stop reading. The voice of the book is beautiful, the ideas and images are captivating, haunting and lovely. It didn't hurt that a few chapters in the mentioned midwives and home birth in an extremely positive light! There were points when I yelled with frustration at the situation the characters found themselves in, and points where I cried because it was just too beautiful. This book sang to me in a way no book has in a very, very long time.
I suggest reading it. Please do, if you can. I promise it will not disappoint.
---
A week from Monday. September 21st. My birthday, and my first day of school.
I'm ready. Let's do this!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
So grateful...
I haven't even started my journey yet, and already I feel like Someone Out There is watching out for me.
Because of the whole 30 day wait for my financial aid check, I needed a little help with books and school supplies. I got the brilliant idea to hold aGarage Desk Sale at work. I brought in a bunch of books I don't read anymore, and some odds 'n' ends to "sell." I wrote in the classifieds at work that it was for donations to help me get my school books and such. Phil, my boyfriend, thought it was a cheesy idea and didn't think much would come out of it.
HAH! I have never been more happy to prove him wrong!
By the end of this week, I will have made almost $100! All the books have sold, and most of the toys. In addition to the great outpouring of love and support from my friends at work, I got a donation from a complete stranger in the form of...
SCHOOL BOOKS!
That's right - someone donated her old school books to me! I have a huge box full of biology, chemistry, A&P, and medical texts! Even some medical terminology flash cards!
Wow. Just... Wow! I couldn't believe how much people are rooting for me!
Another good bit of news... Our room mates are moving out (that's not the good news!) and we have decided to look for a new room mate instead of trying to shoulder the rent payment on our own. I put another ad in the classifieds about it and within two hours someone had come to me with the PERFECT solution.
Her husband is working on his PhD. He needs office space outside their home, away from their five-year-old daughter. She has a penchant for coloring all over his books and papers. She said he might be interested in renting out our upstairs as his study/workspace! Do you know how great that would be for us? Someone who would allow us our private time, but would be paying rent. Someone who knows the value of quiet study time. Someone who would, at the end of the day, be almost a ghost!
This isn't a done deal but if you could keep your fingers and toes and etc crossed, I'd appreciate it very much!
Things are just falling into place. I was giddy today, telling Phil what happened. "Why are you surprised? This is what you asked for," he said. It's true. It feels like that mysterious Someone Out There is paving the way for my dream to come true, in ways I never even imagined were possible!
I'm so grateful and so happy. And ready to go! Twenty more days...
Because of the whole 30 day wait for my financial aid check, I needed a little help with books and school supplies. I got the brilliant idea to hold a
HAH! I have never been more happy to prove him wrong!
By the end of this week, I will have made almost $100! All the books have sold, and most of the toys. In addition to the great outpouring of love and support from my friends at work, I got a donation from a complete stranger in the form of...
SCHOOL BOOKS!
That's right - someone donated her old school books to me! I have a huge box full of biology, chemistry, A&P, and medical texts! Even some medical terminology flash cards!
Wow. Just... Wow! I couldn't believe how much people are rooting for me!
Another good bit of news... Our room mates are moving out (that's not the good news!) and we have decided to look for a new room mate instead of trying to shoulder the rent payment on our own. I put another ad in the classifieds about it and within two hours someone had come to me with the PERFECT solution.
Her husband is working on his PhD. He needs office space outside their home, away from their five-year-old daughter. She has a penchant for coloring all over his books and papers. She said he might be interested in renting out our upstairs as his study/workspace! Do you know how great that would be for us? Someone who would allow us our private time, but would be paying rent. Someone who knows the value of quiet study time. Someone who would, at the end of the day, be almost a ghost!
This isn't a done deal but if you could keep your fingers and toes and etc crossed, I'd appreciate it very much!
Things are just falling into place. I was giddy today, telling Phil what happened. "Why are you surprised? This is what you asked for," he said. It's true. It feels like that mysterious Someone Out There is paving the way for my dream to come true, in ways I never even imagined were possible!
I'm so grateful and so happy. And ready to go! Twenty more days...
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