Stubborn.

I get stubborn. My last name has the word "mule" in it. Stubborn runs in my family. It's hard being stubborn, and it's doubly hard being stubborn and in school.

High school was a nightmare for me. I got the information. I understood completely. I just couldn't figure out why I would ever need to know it. That got under my skin and I dug my feet in. I slowly stopped doing homework or projects. I aced tests. The further I got, the worse my grades were because, WHY?! Why did I need to know the capital of every state? It's not like I would be visiting them all in my Winnebago some day. Why did I need to know how to write a five paragraph essay? Couldn't I just WRITE? I hated it, hated it, hated it.

I did end up graduating, barely. It frustrated my teachers and parents to no end. A smart girl who wouldn't "apply" herself.

And here I am, in school again, feeling that old familiar stubbornness. When am I ever in life going to need to know the difference between a rhombus and a parallelogram? What does that have to do with midwifery? I'm itching to get to the nitty gritty, get my hands on a few bellies, catch a few babies.

I know, I know. I've got to learn these basics so the advanced stuff makes sense. The problem is, I get bored and distracted.

English is going well because our essays have been interesting and I get to really think about things I'm reading and writing. Biology is fantastic. I really understand the why's and how's of basic biology and the more detail we go into, the more fascinating I find it. I know why I need to know about cells and atoms and the like. When something goes wrong at any level, the whole organism suffers.

My only problem... It's math. Even in high school it was my worst subject. It drives me up the wall.

Every day I have to force myself to do it, and do it RIGHT. I have gotten 100% on every homework so far, and 99% on our first exam. But it's draining and irritating. A friend at school (and what an unexpected treasure she's been!) said someday I may be giving a patient a pill and suddenly exclaim, "Oh! Did you know this pill is a rhombus shape?" She reminds me to try to inject humor into every situation and that works pretty well...

But the best cure, the only real cure, is the reminder that I need to do this to get to where I want to go. Failure truly isn't an option. If I fail, I don't get to be a midwife.

As I sat in the lunch room at work, scowling over geometry, a coworker rushed up to me. She gasped, "How do you make someone have a baby!?" I laughed and told her I was sure she was old enough to know about the birds and the bees. She laughed, too, and told me a family member was overdue and they wanted to induce her.

So I listed off the options (acupuncture, pressure points, red raspberry leaf tea, get a pedicure, make out with your partner, have sex). You know what? It felt so good. It felt so good to know that answer, to be sharing that knowledge, to be helping someone.

When I went back to my homework, I was smiling. I know why I have to do this. I do. And I'll do it. I'll figure out the area of a four foot wide pool deck with lengths of 36 feet and 28 feet. I'll do it because the only thing between me and my dreams is my own damn self.

And those freaking rhombuses.

Fall!

Really? Has it been two weeks since I started school? Already? Time is just flying by!

So far all my quizzes and homeworks have yielded A's. Either I'm really getting a grasp on the material, or I already knew it but forgot that I did.

The best way I've found of studying is to try and tell other people about it. Poor Phil gets to hear all about biology, over and over. Climbing into bed one night, yawning, I said, "I'm going to try and get some sleep... But first let me tell you the properties of life." It does help though - if I can explain it to someone else, that means I really, truly know it!

Honestly? I'm loving this. I love being busy and productive. I'm tired a lot, but so happy and content. I feel super organized and prepared for everything that's come up. My Virgo side is tickled!

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Fall, my favorite season.

Today is the perfect fall day. It's chilly out - refreshing and revitalizing after a long hot summer, but not yet oppressive like the cold becomes later in winter. The wind is picking up, tugging the newly turned leaves off the trees and scattering them in lawns and on the street. The furnace kicked in last night, sending a steady blast of warm, burnt-dust air into the house. I love that burnt-dust smell, for whatever reason. I think it reminds me of lighting the first fire in the fireplace when I was young. The way the dust that had accumulated over the summer had to burn away, getting ready for the cold months ahead. This is the time I feel most connected to everything - the wind and the earth and the leaves and the chill.

It's a beautiful time, for me, and this fall more than most. I've taken the first step toward making my dreams come true. I'm in a supportive relationship with an amazing man, for which no words can express my appreciation. I'm taking my life into my own hands, for once. My heart is swelling with love and gratitude and pride. After so many years of wandering in the dark, I've finally found myself back on the path. There's nothing so amazing as that.

Guh.

First week of school. Excuse me, but you may have to communicate in a series of grunts and hand gestures as my mind seems to have liquefied.

I honestly meant to write after my first day but, wow. School, work, home to do my online class and homework and then it was bedtime already! Barely any time for dinner!

So much information... So many new experiences... So many new people and ideas and places... So much crammed into five little days. All I can say is TGIF!

This first week has been exhausting but deeply satisfying. My professors are clever, witty people who obviously love what they do. The homework hasn't been overwhelming at all - I've completed every assignment so far either on time or before. Things I didn't even know I knew - like how to multiply decimals - have been slowly surfacing. Oh dear, my clever seems to be showing!

The exhaustion stems mostly from my change in schedules. Instead of a leisurely nine a.m. clock-in time, I'm in my first class at 7:30. I go straight from school to work, and leave there at 7:30 p.m. That's right people - twelve hour days.

Also, I'm a Virgo. My routine is everything, and my routine has been severely disturbed. This has made me ever-so-slightly cranky. That, and the fact that I haven't had one second to keep up with housework and things are starting to pile up... Guh.

But I'm learning and adapting and I'll make it through. I have no doubts.

Orientation, novels, and bouts of doubts.

I had orientation for school this week. It was really, really great. They said people who take the FYI "class" (yes, we get a credit for attending) are more likely to succeed at school. I can see why! They gave us test taking tips and note taking tips. We attended mock classes and workshops on different topics. It really was incredibly helpful and a good way to introduce new students to what they're getting themselves into.

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Speaking of "getting myself into", I've been getting the jitters. Over the last week I've had so many moments of, "My god, what have I done?!" The doubt, people. It is tough to combat. I've wanted this for so long, yet now that it's here, I'm getting a little scared.

I haven't lost my resolve. I'm just as determined as ever to do this. But my fierce, total blind optimism has been tarnished, a bit. The practical things are weighing on me: being in school full-time, working full-time, homework, sleep... not to mention, how will I ever keep up with the housework?! And I'm going to be doing this for at least six or seven years! I know I've got a great support system, and Phil will jump in and help when asked, but still... Wow. What a lot I've got on my plate. Self-inflicted, admittedly.

It helps to hear that people believe in me. I've been hearing it quite a bit, and it's definitely a boost. People have loaned me books about how to get through nursing school. I've gotten encouraging emails. Phil tells me at least once a day, in his calm, matter-of-fact way, that he knows I won't have any problems. That man is, and has always been, my rock.

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I have gotten two of my school books in the mail already. One of my required English 101 books is a novel written by a Pacific Northwest author. It's called The Art of Racing in the Rain, by Garth Stein. By the cover and what I'd heard about the book, I was a little blah about reading it. I picked it up reluctantly yesterday with the intent of reading a couple pages to see if it would be an easy read.

I DID NOT PUT THE BOOK DOWN.

Do you hear that, people? I honestly, seriously, read the entire book last night. The whole thing, start to finish. I couldn't stop reading. The voice of the book is beautiful, the ideas and images are captivating, haunting and lovely. It didn't hurt that a few chapters in the mentioned midwives and home birth in an extremely positive light! There were points when I yelled with frustration at the situation the characters found themselves in, and points where I cried because it was just too beautiful. This book sang to me in a way no book has in a very, very long time.

I suggest reading it. Please do, if you can. I promise it will not disappoint.

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A week from Monday. September 21st. My birthday, and my first day of school.

I'm ready. Let's do this!

So grateful...

I haven't even started my journey yet, and already I feel like Someone Out There is watching out for me.

Because of the whole 30 day wait for my financial aid check, I needed a little help with books and school supplies. I got the brilliant idea to hold a Garage Desk Sale at work. I brought in a bunch of books I don't read anymore, and some odds 'n' ends to "sell." I wrote in the classifieds at work that it was for donations to help me get my school books and such. Phil, my boyfriend, thought it was a cheesy idea and didn't think much would come out of it.

HAH! I have never been more happy to prove him wrong!

By the end of this week, I will have made almost $100! All the books have sold, and most of the toys. In addition to the great outpouring of love and support from my friends at work, I got a donation from a complete stranger in the form of...

SCHOOL BOOKS!

That's right - someone donated her old school books to me! I have a huge box full of biology, chemistry, A&P, and medical texts! Even some medical terminology flash cards!

Wow. Just... Wow! I couldn't believe how much people are rooting for me!

Another good bit of news... Our room mates are moving out (that's not the good news!) and we have decided to look for a new room mate instead of trying to shoulder the rent payment on our own. I put another ad in the classifieds about it and within two hours someone had come to me with the PERFECT solution.

Her husband is working on his PhD. He needs office space outside their home, away from their five-year-old daughter. She has a penchant for coloring all over his books and papers. She said he might be interested in renting out our upstairs as his study/workspace! Do you know how great that would be for us? Someone who would allow us our private time, but would be paying rent. Someone who knows the value of quiet study time. Someone who would, at the end of the day, be almost a ghost!

This isn't a done deal but if you could keep your fingers and toes and etc crossed, I'd appreciate it very much!

Things are just falling into place. I was giddy today, telling Phil what happened. "Why are you surprised? This is what you asked for," he said. It's true. It feels like that mysterious Someone Out There is paving the way for my dream to come true, in ways I never even imagined were possible!

I'm so grateful and so happy. And ready to go! Twenty more days...

One month!

One month until I start school. One month, people. It feels like it's been coming for ages! My new adventure awaits!

Why did I choose midwifery? It's all, "Boil some water and get some clean towels. You, lay down in the hay and bite on this stick!" right?

Well, no. Not really.

First misconception: midwives are strictly used in home births. Not anymore! More and more hospitals are staffing midwives and opening alternative birthing centers. My hope is to work in a hospital setting for a few years (after I get my nursing degree, during my midwifery studies) before starting or being part of an off-site birthing clinic.

Second misconception: midwives are old witchy ladies who bring a stick for you to bite and not much else. No way! Midwives are trained professionals. They have an array of tools in their arsenal, and plenty of knowledge in emergency situations. Even at a home birth!

Third misconception: midwives aren't as fully trained as doctors and are dangerous. No, no, no! Midwives cannot perform cesarean births, that's true. But midwives can typically prevent them in the first place! This study compared births at an alternative birthing center to births in a hospital setting. There were no more maternal deaths in the midwifery clinic than in the hospital. Neonatal ICU admissions for both were similar. But midwife care had a greater number of vaginal (vs cesarean) deliveries, and a lower instance of epidural use. For low-risk women, there were less "technical" interventions (epidural, augmentation) at the birthing center than at the hospital. And in quite a few cases, those "technical" interventions snowball, one after another, right in to cesarean births.

So midwifery is good, yes? I believe so. Yes I do.

My first memory involving pregnancy was visiting my eight-months-pregnant aunt when I was seven or so. She showed me her belly and explained where the baby was. She let me touch her belly and I remember so clearly thinking, "Wow, it's not soft like I thought it would be. It's like there's a basketball in her tummy!"

That moment sparked my fascination with pregnancy and childbirth.

I thought being a doula would assuge that thirst for knowledge and allow me to serve and uplift women as best I could. Well, it has, but at the same time... I know I can do more. I have the brains and the compassion to do this. I have the passion to take this love of women and desire to help them succeed and push myself to the next level.

I want to heal the birth experience in this country. I want labor and birth to be a loving, safe, beautiful experience. I want women to get in touch with their strength and power - strength most don't know they posess! - and create an environment of their choosing to bring their children into this world. I want women to get involved in the process, empowering themselves and their families.

I can do this. One month more month and there's no looking back!

Kerfuffle!

There was a bit of a kerfuffle regarding my financial aid. Ooh, the panicking that ensued!

Apparently I didn't take an online credit responsibility test for my loans? I swear, I've never heard of such a thing. Then again, the last time I was in college - a decade ago - I paid for my two classes out of pocket. The letter offered me work study and about $450 in state needs grants. I couldn't even imagine working full time, taking 16 credits, and doing work study to cover my tuition. Panic!

Everything is taken care of now, hopefully!

I'm waiting on a new letter letting me know the amount they'll cover. Then there's a 30 day wait after the first day of school before they disburse checks. School starts in just about a month. I'm hoping we can scrape together enough to buy books at least. Getting a laptop can wait, I think.

In other news, we picked up an old roll-top desk from my mother. You know, for studying purposes. It's slowly coming together. Pens, desk calendar, day planner, highlighters, notebooks... All that's missing right now is a desk lamp and, oh yeah, a chair might be nice! :D In the immortal words of Tim Gunn, we'll "make it work!"

I'm so excited! C'mon, September!