Like a fifteen year old with a crush...

Staring at the phone, waiting for the neurosurgeon's call. Waiting for my primary care doc to call. Waiting for someone to remember I'm out here in limbo. It's hard enough being sick, but to be put on the back burner by the people who can do something about it... It's disappointing. It's frustrating.

I have been learning as much as I can without knowing anything at all. Researching the best doctors, support groups, what the surgery could look like, recovery times. I crave order and preparation but there's not a lot I can do until I get that call.

So I go back to staring at the phone...

Grinding to a halt.

I have started, erased, restarted, re-erased, and started this post again about five times now. I want it to be honest but my natural defense mechanism (making a joke, deflecting seriousness) keeps me from just saying what I need to say.

Stick to the facts, ma'am.

Fact: last week I felt sick. Seeing as how I have several health issues, this was not surprising or unexpected. What made me pause was when I woke up with doubled vision. That's when I decided to play it safe and go to the urgent care.

Fact: MRIs are 360 degrees of terror. The procedure AND waiting on results.

Fact: I have a cyst on my brain that may or may not be anything significant, and a congenital brain malformation that definitely is significant.

Fact: I am no longer allowed per doctor's orders to drive or work until I get cleared by a neurosurgeon.

Fact: the neurosurgeon's office doesn't care that I can't drive or go to work until they see me, and will be reviewing my file for up to three weeks before I can be scheduled for an appointment.

Fact: my short term disability doesn't kick in for two weeks. Two weeks of missed paychecks...

Fact: I'm pretty freaked out. The money, the possible surgery, the time out of work, the fact that I was just getting my business off the ground, the fact that I just found a wonderful place to teach my classes, the fact that I have one more quarter of school to go and I don't want to jeopardize graduating from college...

Fact: I seem to be doomspiralling but I'm hiding it pretty well.

In truth, I don't know what to do. I would like to spend this "free" time getting my house in order, polishing my class itinerary, finishing the multitude of projects I've got going but I simply can't. Physically, I can't stand for more than a few minutes without my head starting to pound. I'm tired, I can't see straight, and my body is getting in the way of me doing much at all. Emotionally, I can't concentrate. Simple tasks take a lot of thought. I went from barreling headlong through life with jobs, volunteering, school, being a new wife... to a dead stop. It's totally disorienting.

I hate this and I hate telling people about it. I don't want pity, I don't want people to think I'm doing it for attention, I don't want to be accused of making it all up.

And I loathe that I have to put my business dreams on hold because my brain is too fat for my head.

United States of Me

It's been a crazy few months in the 7th House homestead. My "full time" job is becoming more hassle than the pay is worth. While I can't yet support us with my birthy jobs, I can't let them fall by the wayside. So I work twice as hard as most folk, while trying to finish my A.A. and maintain a relationship with my new husband.

What a ride!

Transitioning from being An Employee of a Large Company to a self-employed woman is such a scary prospect. Having the comfort of knowing I have an income and health insurance is wonderful, but it comes with the price of being treated poorly with little to no recourse. Being my own boss and doing something I love comes with a cost as well - knowing that if I don't throw my all into it, I won't make enough money to support my family. It will have to be done sooner or later, and I keep telling myself, "Like a bandaid - do it quick and it won't hurt so badly!" But I'm still nervous... Yeesh. I'll get there soon. Until then...

I'll treat myself kindly, work toward my goals and know that some day this will all have been worth it!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Those of us who want to make birth work our main source of income know how difficult it can be. Knowing that, especially in Spokane, people don't really know what a doula is or what Lamaze classes can do for them means we have to lower our prices. We get paid less than half of what women in Seattle get paid for the same services.

That's why doulas here have a wide range of skill sets. Some are also childbirth educators, some are lactation educators, some can do placenta encapsulation... I myself am working toward getting my Lamaze Childbirth Education Certification (LCCE), I have my Lactation Education Certification (CLE), I took a course in neonatal resuscitation, and I had my doula certification through Childbirth International (CLD (CBI)). I began working on a second doula certification through DONA but realized it would clash with my role, if I chose to use it, as a midwives' assistant.

Did I mention? I think I'm going to take midwives' assistant training. It's a good course with solid knowledge to have in case I'm at a home birth and the midwife needs an extra pair of hands in an emergency. I could also work with a local midwife as her assistant, backing up while her assistant/apprentice is out on maternity leave.

I'm also going to a really exciting certification class to learn how to use a TENS unit (for myself and for my clients!) and get a refresher in using a rebozo.

The hard thing is... all these classes and certifications cost money. Lots of money. But if you don't have a wide array of skills, you're less likely to be hired, and you'll make less money, and you won't be able to take the classes to get the skills.

What a cycle, huh?

There are exciting things in the works though. A handful of women who are as passionate as I am about the lower income section of our community are planning some very big things. We have spoken with lawyers, we have a grant writer, we had a gluten-free pot luck even! I think we are going to make great things happen but it takes time...

Hold on, women of Spokane! If you need a doula, or a child birth class, or prenatal massage, or information on breastfeeding, or any kind of pregnancy support... and you can't quite afford it... We're on our way!

HVBAC

The very first birth I ever witnessed was a home birth. At the time, I was not very far into my doula training, so I don't think I really appreciated what hard work that mom had to do to bring her baby into the world. The more I've learned and seen, the more in awe I am of our amazing bodies. Since that first birth six years ago, all the births I've attended have been very interventive hospital births. I didn't realize how much that had been weighing on my heart until this week.

I realize not every mom has the opportunities I've had to study pregnancy and child birth. I understand that not every woman sees birth as a rite of passage or the moment their lives are changed forever. Our society has cast birth in a scary light, that labor is a medical emergency, not a natural occurrence. Not everyone knows about the interplay of hormones released between moms and their babies, and how interrupting that process can sometimes cause more harm than good in a normal, healthy labor. I try not to force my opinions on the moms I serve – I just give them information and let them make informed decisions, supporting whatever they choose. That's my job...

...but.

I started feeling incredibly down on myself over these last few months, wondering why I was doing this. None of my moms were even remotely interested in natural child birth. Every time I showed up at the hospital, it felt more like a sleepover than a mom working to bring her baby into the world. We'd sit and chat, nap, watch TV and wait. For myself, it felt so disconnected. My bag of doula tricks sat largely unused. I got critical of myself – am I even a good doula, if all I do is sit there with a mom, watching old episodes of Roseanne? What good was I doing, just sitting there?

This week I had the opportunity to be present at a HVBAC (home vaginal birth after cesarean). I've been in touch with this mom off and on since December, helping her plan her perfect birth. She was diligent in doing her research, reading about other mom's experiences, practicing her comfort techniques and preparing herself – mind and body – for bringing her baby into this world in the most healthy way possible.

Without breaking my promise of privacy to her, I have to say how amazing this experience was. She worked her butt off and I used a lot of comfort techniques I'd never had a chance to try. As hard as she worked, I was there for her every step of the way. I followed her lead, getting her partner involved when she needed him. Soft words of encouragement, reminders to try moving, to keep hydrated... This mom didn't respond vocally but I watched her take in what I said and USE it! What I said and did made a difference! What an awesome feeling!

This one birth – one humbling, amazing, beautiful birth – has completely restored my faith in myself. I DO know what I'm doing. I AM good at what I do. Even if a mom doesn't respond out loud, I know that even being present, being a resource to them when they need me, is just as useful if the mom has a completely intervention-free home birth, or a planned cesarean. I don't ever want to doubt myself again.

Again, LIFE!

Oh the joys of life. Sometimes you want to stop and say, "All right, that's enough for now, let me catch my breath!" And sometimes, surprisingly, life obliges! One whole week to relax... Ahhh. Lovely.

Things are going swimmingly, on the birth front. Happy healthy clients, a Passion for Birth class in June, and a possible volunteer position at the women-with-children drug and alcohol treatment center. I emailed them on a whim and I am thrilled at their response - basically they know what doulas are, and love the work doulas do! The treatment director has a position all lined up for me, I just have to go in and meet them! This is what I wanted, exactly this, to help women who may not have the resources to have a doula or attend childbirth education classes, or any of those things. And as Phil said, it looks good on the resume. :)

Speaking of, I should probably mention I'm getting married. Such a bizarre feeling! Sometimes I feel shy about it, like if I say it out loud it will have turned into a dream... But there it is. My lovely man and I will be getting ourselves legally hitched on 9/10/11. Yes, nine-ten-eleven... We can't do anything normally. :D

I was thinking the other morning about the wedding and how stressful it is trying to plan one when you've never done it before! After a particularly stressful day, I said to myself, "This is exactly why people hire wedding planners!" Of course, I started tying that in to moms... There are people who help women plan weddings, plan parties, even plan how to decorate their homes! But first time moms (and second, and third or more!) typically don't have anyone to help them plan their perfect birth. I know birth is fairly unpredictable, but so are weddings. You don't know if cousin Bert is going to pick a fight during your reception, or if the flower girl gets shy and doesn't want to walk down the aisle... and you have a wedding planner to help you pull off the best wedding you can, given the circumstances. Having someone to laugh with when it's all over is also a plus. Well, doulas can offer the same service! We can help you plan what options you prefer for you birth experience and help you overcome obstacles, or process any unhappy circumstances should they occur.

So, in addition to being a friend, a well of information, and physical/emotional support, a doula is like a wedding planner for births. Birth planner. I like the idea.

Now, do I get a book of swatches with that? :)

Shifting Gears.

My desire to become a midwife stemmed from my desire to educate and assist women in their pregnancy, labor and birth. I still desire those things, but life has been throwing out massive roadblocks in the path to midwifery.

First, my college lost their nursing accreditation. The only other path to nursing was to spend a year at an extremely expensive college taking classes I really didn't need in order to qualify to get into the downtown Spokane nursing school I wasn't guaranteed to get into at all. I thought, "Well, get thee into a direct midwifery course!" But Seattle School of Midwifery merged with Bastyr University (good!) and dropped their distance learning course (BAD.) and there's no way I'm going to be able to move to Seattle since we bought our house.

So I did what I rarely do. I asked for a sign, dammit.

I went to Seattle in August to A) check out Bastyr (just in case), and B) attend a DONA certified doula course (required to get into Bastyr's midwifery program). I was floored by the love and sense of community of the women on the West Side. As they put it, there are more doulas than Starbucks in Seattle! There are groups and support and community and classes for just about anything you can imagine - cesarean awareness, labor coaches, midwives, childbirth educators, even placenta encapsulation, if you can believe it. It was awe-inspiring.

And then I came back to Spokane.

I looked around - there's not a lot of support, and the support that's out there is hard to find. I went to a BBQ with a friend's family and there were at least three pregnant women, two of whom were chain smoking. It killed me to see that, and I thought, "Do they know what they're doing to their unborn children? Do they care? Have they tried to stop smoking and just couldn't do it? Do they not have the support they need?"

There was my answer.

I want to get involved with my community. I want Spokane to know there is someone (or more than someone, if other people get involved) that cares about them and their well-being. Someone who can provide them with education, point them in the direction of help they may need, and do it so no matter what their financial or educational or social situation, they will get the help they need.

So I'm shifting gears. Instead of getting my direct transfer associate's degree, I will get my Business Associate's degree. I will learn all I can about running a not-for-profit type business. I will get my DONA doula certification, my childbirth educator certification, my lactation consultant certification, and I will provide all my services on a sliding scale. I will find others like me - people who care about the women of Spokane. We'll form our own damn community, thank you very much. We will provide doulas for moms who need someone but don't have anyone - single mothers, military wives, whomever asks for our assistance will receive it. I will conduct childbirth education classes in places they can reach even if they don't have a car, or a partner, or a babysitter. I will let people know what I do and meet them where they are at to provide them with the best options, no matter who they are.

I'll twist some arms and get the paper, or even the local news station!, to do a story about our humble group. I'll throw Get To Know Your Doulas nights at the library. I'll get out into our community and open eyes and hearts.

It's time, Spokane. Watch out! I'm comin' for ya! :)