Finally!

Fact: this quarter was TORTURE.

It never slowed down, not for a minute. I had about an hour and a half each day for studying and homework (30 minute lunch break and an hour after I got home from school). This was not nearly enough. I did well, though, all things considered.

MATH: 3.8
A&P 241: 3.2
PSYCH 100: 3.3

While I am disappointed that I didn't do better (or get on the honor roll this quarter *grumble*), I understand that if I had pushed myself any harder, my body would have completely rebelled. With work and school, I was out of the house fourteen hours a day, and then had to come home and do homework/study/make a half-assed attempt at housework/etc. I started having severe insomnia (thank god for Benadryl, melatonin, and Rescue Remedy), various body parts decided swell up whenever they damn well felt like it, migraines started coming back, and my endometriosis made me contemplate once more the benefits of a full abdomenectomy.

And, as always, I couldn't have done it without Phil. He has taken up everything I can't do anymore and he does it without complaining or asking for a reward. He made all my meals - brought me breakfast, packed my lunch, and had dinner waiting every evening. The kitchen was clean most of the time and he was not above pushing me out the door when I told him I couldn't do it anymore.

Okay, really silly reference, but you know that scene from Harry Potter where Dumbledore has to drink the poison water in the big cave? He tells Harry that no matter what, Harry has to make sure Dumbledore drinks it all. Phil's the one who knows that this will all be worth it in the end. He keeps me going when I am absolutely convinced I'm at my limit.

Next quarter shouldn't be as bad. I'm going back to day classes, so I'll only be out of the house twelve hours instead of fourteen. I'm taking the second Anatomy and Physiology class which I hear isn't nearly as hard as the first. Math 99 shouldn't be too bad - I've been catching on really quick in math so I'm not too worried. And Health 101 online. Heh. That shouldn't be too bad. Thirteen credits this time instead of fifteen.

Right now is spring break. We both took off work and are planning on playing all the video games we can handle. I'm surprising him with a trip to Lewiston, ID to a place called Effie's Tavern. Apparently they serve GINORMOUS burgers there. We've been watching a lot of Man vs. Food lately... Phil likes food.

Spring break, hooray!!

Three Tips

Since this quarter has been SO rough, I'm going to write something useful and fun (for me). I present to you...

Katrina's Three Tips for Laboring Moms!

Tip #1 - Stay upright for as long as possible.
Gravity is your friend! When you're in the supine (on your back) position, the baby has to fight it's way down the birth canal. If you can stay up right, your hips are looser, and your body doesn't have to fight as hard. The baby's head is pushing harder on your cervix as well, which means it'll dilate faster and you will have a shorter labor. SHORTER LABOR. That's a good thing.
BONUS TIP: If you are absolutely dead set on having an epidural, ask for a walking epidural. It's a mixture of different medications that help with pain relief, but don't make you numb. Most women with a walking epidural are able to get up and walk around, helping your labor progress more quickly! And this way you can feel to be able to push when the time comes.

Tip #2 - Relax your jaw.
No, I'm not kidding. Concentrate on relaxing your jaw through contractions. Studies show this correlates with how fast your cervix dilates. And remember - faster dilation, shorter labor!
BONUS TIP: Make sure the noises you make during labor are low and rumbly. High-pitched noises tense up your body, making everything much more painful, and slowing down dilation. Growl, groan, moan, do what you must. I read a story of a lady who moo'd through her labor. She said people were trying not to laugh but it really helped her relax!

Tip #3 - Have someone there to advocate for you.
Whether it's your spouse, your mom, or your trained labor coach, have someone there for you. Someone you've discussed your birth plan with in detail. Someone who is as familiar with each procedure as you are and knows what you do and do not want. You're going to need someone to support you, physically and emotionally, through this process. They'll be the ones to remind you to relax your jaw for the millionth time. They'll be the ones to remind you to change positions, and remind your doctor you don't want this or that procedure. You're going to be in labor, for crying out loud. That's enough to concentrate on without having to argue with your doctor about cutting an episiotomy.

Busy... So busy.

I honestly meant to post after my first week of classes. Honest! The homework load, though, was so overwhelming that I didn't have time. "Surely," I thought, "Things will settle down in week two!"

...no.

Week three?

...yeah, no.

In my head I saw this quarter as being just as easy as last quarter. Enough of a challenge to leave me feeling slightly stressed but mostly proud of myself, but not so much that I wanted to fling myself into oncoming traffic. A nice, soft, teddy-bear squish of a quarter.

I opened my arms, prepared to embrace the squish and got mauled by a grizzly.

Ah god. The schedule is killing me. Having classes every other day is just stupid. We cover three or more chapters per night in Math and must complete the home work in two days, whilst keeping up with A&P studying/flashcards/quizzes twice a week, and Psychology discussion boards/Crazy-APA-Obsessed-Professor/reading/chapter tests. While working full time. I'm in school or at work fourteen hours a day.

This is the point in which you may imagine Our Heroine weeping in the corner, trying to set fire to her textbooks.

Okay, so I exaggerate. A little bit. But not much. I spend every waking (and evidently sleeping) moment trying to crowbar information into my skull - on my lunch break, the forty minutes I get between work and school, however long it takes me between school and bedtime. I wake up several times a night, gasping out anatomical positions or Algebra equations, depending on the day of the week. I give myself the time it takes me to eat breakfast to read the news, blogs and catch up with Facebook, but that's about it for "scheduled" free time. I did take last Saturday "off" from homework to watch Phil play Bioshock in preparation for Bioshock2 coming out, and felt guilty afterward.

Speaking of Phil... I know I've said it before, but I really honest-to-god could not do this without him. Without complaint he makes my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He's taken over the food-shopping duty so I have more time for homework. My one meager kitchen duty (unloading the dishwasher) has been quietly relinquished. I hate it passionately. There's nothing I can do, though. I simply do not have the time to take care of anything but work and school. I tell him constantly how much I appreciate him taking care of everything, and that dear man shrugs and smiles and tells me he'd much rather I study than fold laundry. He supports me 100% and I am so thoroughly blessed.

Quick rundown of classes before I have to go study a skull...

Psychology 100
This is my online class. The professor is, pardon the language, fucknuts crazy. I thought at first he was a nice man because he uses smiley emoticons. DO NOT TRUST THE SMILIES. He refuses to post what you need to know in an easy-to-find location. You have to hunt for every little nugget. And he highlights and italicizes random text so A) it's hard on your eyes, and B) you never know what is important because IT'S ALL RANDOMLY HIGHLIGHTED AND ITALICIZED. He marks you down if you turn in your assignments the day they're due, instead of BEFORE they're due. He nitpicks on APA format without telling you how your content was. I got a C on my first Psych test. C! Stupid prof. I keep telling people my goal last quarter was A's. My goal this quarter is to pass. That's all.

Math 92
Just like Math 91, I'm picking up on it really quickly. First Math test was a 92%. My good bud K from Math 91 just happens to be in my Math 92! We are conspiring to take 99 together because together we are UNSTOPPABLE. Math Prof is a nice, quiet little man who started out quite taken aback by K and I's antics. Now he just shakes his head and keeps going.

Anatomy & Physiology 241
According to Dr J, my A&P prof, they cram three quarters worth of material in to two quarters at our school. This, my friends, is killing my softly. Yesterday we were told to memorize all the bones and bone markings in the skull. Guess when we'll be tested on this? THURSDAY. One week to learn, in intimate detail, the human skull. When I looked at the list she gave us, I fought tooth-and-nail against a panic attack. This is crazy. I don't have time to give this the attention it deserves. My first practical lab test was an 82.5% - really good, according to everyone, but it makes me scowl a little. Dr J is a good teacher though so I am picking it up pretty quickly. One week at a time, Katrina...

So that's that. Now I'm going to kiss my man and sit down on the couch with a picture of a skull...

Grades! And, uh, fetuses.

Got my grades for this first quarter... Holy crap! I am a genius! In English I got a 3.5. In Biology I got a 3.8 and in Math I got a 4.0! GPA for the quarter was 3.78, which means I'm on the honor roll.

I'm so proud of myself!

---

There was one thing that happened last quarter that I didn't write about. A five minute time span in which I possibly should have been disturbed or saddened, but I wasn't. To those who might be sensitive about death and babies, be warned.

In bio we were learning about animal development and my teacher offered to let us see the school's collection of, uh, fetuses. I have no idea how to make that sound less disturbing. Our School's Fetus Collection! Not that they showed them off in front of company or anything like that. It was All In The Name Of Science. There were unborn babies of all stages of development, from one to eight months gestation. The fetuses were either miscarried, or the mother had passed away, and the parent opted to donate the remains. Our teacher let us decide whether or not we wanted to see them.

I did and I didn't. My inner Christian School Girl went, "Ew, dead babies, gross!" My inner nerd thought it would be fascinating. I decided to go because some day I will have to deal with death, miscarriage, and stillbirth and this was my chance to dip my toe in the water, so to speak.

So a small group of us went to see. And there they were. They looked just like the pictures I've seen for my doula courses. Several jars lined up for our inspection, each containing a woman's child who didn't survive to be born. From arm buds and gills to perfect little fingers and toes and ears, there they were. And while others were sad for those lost lives, some trying to connect this experience to abortion, I was... Well, I was curious about their stories. I wanted to know what happened, why they didn't make it, who they were. I grieved a little for their parents, for the loss they experienced. Mostly, though, I felt grateful. I recognize that is an odd emotion to have around dead babies, but there it is. I was grateful to those parents for, in what must have been an extremely difficult time, giving us students a chance to learn.

It was extremely fascinating, I have to admit.

There it is. I saw some fetuses. I didn't cry or get emotional or nauseated. It was an interesting experience and that's that.

Finals and a confession.

Finals are next week. Seriously. How fast did this quarter go? It seems like just a couple of weeks ago I was breaking open my first pack of note cards. Now all of a sudden it's over?

I really didn't think I was that nervous about finals. I suppose I am since over the past week I have consistently woken myself up around three a.m. doing algebra equations in my head. I've already done my in-class final essay for English and turned in my portfolio to the teacher. (The essay, get this, was on the spiritual awakening and life lessons learned of Enzo, a DOG, in the book The Art of Racing in the Rain. Screwy but true.) I have my math final on Tuesday, biology final on Wednesday and then that's it.

Oh, I have my very first study group planned for Monday afternoon! K is my math class buddy. We met each other somewhere toward the beginning of the quarter and have been inseparable since then. Our professor jokingly threatened to separate us for a "group quiz" and we pouted our way out of it. She is like the conservative, Californian, Starbucks barista version of me and we are running away together to join Doctors Without Borders when we're done with school.

My grades so far are good. My math dropped a little after that little swine flu incident. That's at a 95%. Same with Biology. English is at a 92% right now but I'm hoping my last two essays brought that up a bit. I'll find out next week!

*****

End of my first quarter emotional check-in...

Since this is my journal and I can write whatever I want, I'm going to tell you... It's been rough. Not as bad as I thought it would be, and not as bad as people predicted, but pretty bad. Some nights I lay in bed, using all of my doula encouragement skills to talk myself out of panicking. "Oh god, I don't think I can do seven years of this, I can't do it anymore, full time work and full time school, was I crazy?! Someone tell me it's okay to stop!" And then I would reply, practically beaming with positiveness, "You can do, you're already doing it! Look how far you've come! You're doing so well, I'm so proud of you! Your grades are awesome and you've kept up with homework and work-work and house-work and you're really, really doing it!" This last week has been the worst because of the whole "awake for the day at three in the morning" thing. I'm exhausted to the core. Phil walked me out yesterday morning (as he does every morning) and I turned to him and said, "I can't do it." And I cried. And he hugged me and said all the things I've been telling myself - I'm doing such a good job, I don't need to stress, it's only two more school days and then I can relax. Coming from him, it was more believable.

I can do this. I am doing it. I will succeed. I just keep reminding myself, I'm not only doing this for me - other lives will change, too. I'm doing this for all the women I will love and support to the best of my ability in making their birth dreams come true. I'm doing it for their children, to give their mothers the tools to bring them the most loving, peaceful entrance into this world we can. I'm doing it for my now-family and future-family, to give them the financial stability I never had as a kid. I'm doing this so, in my own way, I can change the world.

I will continue to be strong for all of our sakes.

I can do it.

The most frustrating thing.

Yes, I have the swine flu. Just thought I should get that out of the way!

In one hour I'll be registering for Winter quarter classes. Every one of my science classes is wait-listed. Gah!

The most frustrating thing about this whole experience so far hasn't been waking up early, going to classes or having a lot of homework, or even the fact that I'm exhausted ALL.THE.TIME. now... It's figuring out the next steps. I went to a transfer adviser on Monday to see what she suggested. NOT MUCH HELP. The nursing program at my school is a TWO YEAR WAIT at this point. I have so many sub-optimal options... All I want to do is be a midwife!

I can either hang out at community college, taking classes toward a general AA while I wait for a spot in the nursing program to open up. Once I get my Associates in Nursing, I can get a Bachelors from anywhere in ANYTHING and still qualify for the Midwifery program at Philadelphia University. Or I can finish some pre-reqs here, take a required year at Eastern Washington University to get (possibly) into the nursing program at a downtown intercollegiate campus (that only accepts 120 students a year) where I can get my Bachelors in nursing. Or I can say "fuck it" and finish my pre-reqs for Seattle School of Midwifery/Bastyr University and become a direct entry midwife in three years - the least desirable option since I wouldn't be able to work in a hospital setting.

This is what keeps me up at night. This fear that I'll make the wrong decision and screw up my career path FOREVER. That, or I'll waste time and be in school for more than the seven years it should take. What do I choose? Which classes do I sign up for? What school should I go to? I feel dizzy and sick just thinking about it.

Then again, that could be the swine flu.

My, my, the time does fly.

When I started this blog, I meant to update it once a week. That way I could visualize my progress, and use it to spur me on if I hit a slump.

Hah. HAHAHA.

Do you know how much energy it takes to work full time and take 16 college credits? A lot. A real lot. I feel so spread thin. All the defenses I've built against the outside world have absolutely shattered. All the demons I thought I'd exorcised have popped up at one point or another in the past couple of months. I'm exhausted! My idea of a good time has been reduced to staring at a book. Not actually reading it, just staring at the words and knowing I don't have to read them if I don't want to! I don't even have the energy to sing while folding clothes, if you can believe that.

Despite it all, I'm happy. Ecstatic, to be truthful. Look where I am! An ex-drug addict, ex-homeless person, ex-abused girlfriend... I'm going to school! Gonna be someone! That timid religious fanatic turned crazy druggie is now an honest to god responsible citizen!

My grades, by the way, are fabulous. I'm getting a 95% or better in math and biology. English is above a 90% - I'm hoping to work on that with this next paper. I'm really, honestly getting it. Go me!

To be fair, there's no way I could have done this alone. Phil is a saint. Did you know that man wakes up early every morning to make me coffee and warm up my car? He allows the occasional pity party but for the most part I don't need him to say anything. He is what he's always been - my rock. Just knowing he's there, pitching in silently with housework, cooking dinner nearly every night because I've got to focus on homework... I am the luckiest woman alive.

By the way, I thought of a new "slogan" for my business, if I ever start a home birth business. "Changing the world by changing the way we come into it." I'm determined to make a difference, dammit. You'll see!