Obsession...

Before this happened, Phil and I had been talking about starting a family. He's never been interested in having kids before so I was thrilled when the conversation turned to the possibility. Being sick and not having prospects for getting better any time soon... I feel this terrified push to get pregnant NOW. Sensibly I know it's ridiculous and dangerous. In my heart, though... It's just one more thing I see slipping away from me, one more dream shattered. We didn't have much of a chance before, honestly, and now it's unlikely to ever happen, and the longer we wait the more infertile I become. Still, I obsess about it. We talked about it at dinner last night and Phil confessed he doesn't want us to have a baby because the lion's share of the work would fall on him.

He's right. He's right and I never thought about that and it crushed me to hear him say that.

This whole ordeal has been hard on him. I'm not the only one afraid and in pain. It's not fair that he has to do this. I offered to move in with my mom so he could move on with his life... He said that wouldn't benefit anyone because he'd be worried about me the whole time. I still think it would be better for him, even though it would cement my "AH KILL ME I'M IN HELL" status.