History repeats...

I feel lost.

Things between my spouse and I are strained. He doesn't deserve this stress, but I don't deserve some of the things he's done either. We're at a crossroads and I seem to be making all the wrong decisions.


On the illness front: still sick, still waiting for some kind of monetary benefit from work, I finally have an appointment with a neurologist but A) it's not until August 31st, and B) it will likely be a waste of time because the treatment for my disease is surgery. The neurologist will likely refer me back to the neurosurgeon who originally rejected me and we'll start this whole carnival of the absurd all over again.


In the interest of honesty I will admit self-harm has been on my mind a lot lately. Back in my crazy past (right after the homelessness but before sobriety set in) I leaned on self-harm as a way to cope with things I couldn't handle on my own. I haven't consciously physically hurt myself since Montana, six, maybe seven years ago.

Now I'm dealing with feelings I haven't felt in ages. Depression, complete misery, uncertainty, fear, loneliness, anxiety, impatience. I want people to leave me alone and somehow at the same time I don't want to be left alone anymore. I am staring down the long month ahead until my neurologist appointment, wondering how I can mentally survive until then. The physical pain is bad, yeah, but the mental ramifications are killing me.

On top of it all, I'm the maid of honor in my sister's wedding next weekend. What a fucking joke. She is expecting me to stay the night with her the night before the wedding and then stay with my folks the night of the wedding (it's a campout on my parent's property). I keep trying to explain I can't sleep in a strange place - I can barely sleep in my own house and that's only because someone loaned us a recliner for me to sleep in. I can't stand upright for more than a few minutes - how long is her ceremony going to be? I have absolutely no desire to take away from the most important day  in her life by passing out at the altar. I can't back out but I can't see a way through this that won't hurt me (physically) or my sister (feelings).


Life outside my illness is passing by so fast... Life in my painfully tiny world can't go fast enough. I am grieving for the life that I should have had. I may, someday, be able to get back there but I have a feeling this detour is going to be a long one.