Grinding to a halt.

I have started, erased, restarted, re-erased, and started this post again about five times now. I want it to be honest but my natural defense mechanism (making a joke, deflecting seriousness) keeps me from just saying what I need to say.

Stick to the facts, ma'am.

Fact: last week I felt sick. Seeing as how I have several health issues, this was not surprising or unexpected. What made me pause was when I woke up with doubled vision. That's when I decided to play it safe and go to the urgent care.

Fact: MRIs are 360 degrees of terror. The procedure AND waiting on results.

Fact: I have a cyst on my brain that may or may not be anything significant, and a congenital brain malformation that definitely is significant.

Fact: I am no longer allowed per doctor's orders to drive or work until I get cleared by a neurosurgeon.

Fact: the neurosurgeon's office doesn't care that I can't drive or go to work until they see me, and will be reviewing my file for up to three weeks before I can be scheduled for an appointment.

Fact: my short term disability doesn't kick in for two weeks. Two weeks of missed paychecks...

Fact: I'm pretty freaked out. The money, the possible surgery, the time out of work, the fact that I was just getting my business off the ground, the fact that I just found a wonderful place to teach my classes, the fact that I have one more quarter of school to go and I don't want to jeopardize graduating from college...

Fact: I seem to be doomspiralling but I'm hiding it pretty well.

In truth, I don't know what to do. I would like to spend this "free" time getting my house in order, polishing my class itinerary, finishing the multitude of projects I've got going but I simply can't. Physically, I can't stand for more than a few minutes without my head starting to pound. I'm tired, I can't see straight, and my body is getting in the way of me doing much at all. Emotionally, I can't concentrate. Simple tasks take a lot of thought. I went from barreling headlong through life with jobs, volunteering, school, being a new wife... to a dead stop. It's totally disorienting.

I hate this and I hate telling people about it. I don't want pity, I don't want people to think I'm doing it for attention, I don't want to be accused of making it all up.

And I loathe that I have to put my business dreams on hold because my brain is too fat for my head.