28'ish days later

As it stands now, I am still sick. My job protection was one day from disappearing but I finally got my Primary Care Physician to fill out the paperwork (using the tried and true tactics of crying and hysteria). Five-to-ten days until I hear back whether or not I am eligible for short term disability. I haven't had a paycheck in four weeks and our savings is nearly exhausted.

I am still sick. I wake up with blurred vision and severe pain in my feet, hands, shoulders, head, joints, abdomen... During the day, every time I stretch, stand, laugh, cough, sneeze my head starts pounding and my vision goes gray for a few seconds. (Pretty much Gru's Rule Number Three: "You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart!")

My PCP has faxed my files to a neurologist at a headache clinic who may, MAY, be willing to take me on as a patient. If he does want me to be his patient, it can take another two or three weeks before an appointment will be available. If he doesn't want to see me, we may have to try to make an appointment with a Chiari specialist in Seattle.

Sigh.

I can't take this waiting. The stress of it is grabbing me by the ankles and dragging me into Depressionville. I feel worthless, useless. I see all my dreams slipping away from me. I'm afraid I'll never feel better. The thought of feeling this way for years, decades, scares me to death. The thought of having brain surgery scares me. The thought of dying scares me.

Even worse is the stress I'm putting on my poor husband. Phil is used to helping me with things around the house but not being responsible for EVERYTHING. He doesn't talk a lot about it but I can't help but feel it's wearing him down. (That and some personal issues we're going through.) He says this is his job, he signed up for this when he married me and no matter what he is going to be there to care for me. That makes me feel a curious mixture of relief and extreme guilt.

I just want someone in the medical community to hear my story. To believe me when I say I am SICK. To present a miracle solution that will allow me to get back to my life the way it was.

A miracle is all I ask for. That's not so hard, is it Universe?