The very first birth I ever witnessed was a home birth. At the time, I was not very far into my doula training, so I don't think I really appreciated what hard work that mom had to do to bring her baby into the world. The more I've learned and seen, the more in awe I am of our amazing bodies. Since that first birth six years ago, all the births I've attended have been very interventive hospital births. I didn't realize how much that had been weighing on my heart until this week.
I realize not every mom has the opportunities I've had to study pregnancy and child birth. I understand that not every woman sees birth as a rite of passage or the moment their lives are changed forever. Our society has cast birth in a scary light, that labor is a medical emergency, not a natural occurrence. Not everyone knows about the interplay of hormones released between moms and their babies, and how interrupting that process can sometimes cause more harm than good in a normal, healthy labor. I try not to force my opinions on the moms I serve – I just give them information and let them make informed decisions, supporting whatever they choose. That's my job...
...but.
I started feeling incredibly down on myself over these last few months, wondering why I was doing this. None of my moms were even remotely interested in natural child birth. Every time I showed up at the hospital, it felt more like a sleepover than a mom working to bring her baby into the world. We'd sit and chat, nap, watch TV and wait. For myself, it felt so disconnected. My bag of doula tricks sat largely unused. I got critical of myself – am I even a good doula, if all I do is sit there with a mom, watching old episodes of Roseanne? What good was I doing, just sitting there?
This week I had the opportunity to be present at a HVBAC (home vaginal birth after cesarean). I've been in touch with this mom off and on since December, helping her plan her perfect birth. She was diligent in doing her research, reading about other mom's experiences, practicing her comfort techniques and preparing herself – mind and body – for bringing her baby into this world in the most healthy way possible.
Without breaking my promise of privacy to her, I have to say how amazing this experience was. She worked her butt off and I used a lot of comfort techniques I'd never had a chance to try. As hard as she worked, I was there for her every step of the way. I followed her lead, getting her partner involved when she needed him. Soft words of encouragement, reminders to try moving, to keep hydrated... This mom didn't respond vocally but I watched her take in what I said and USE it! What I said and did made a difference! What an awesome feeling!
This one birth – one humbling, amazing, beautiful birth – has completely restored my faith in myself. I DO know what I'm doing. I AM good at what I do. Even if a mom doesn't respond out loud, I know that even being present, being a resource to them when they need me, is just as useful if the mom has a completely intervention-free home birth, or a planned cesarean. I don't ever want to doubt myself again.
