Still here... Mostly.

School, work, buying our first house, maintaining a loving and healthy relationship, having a chronic and painful disease...

Man, it is wearing me down.

School is going well. I am not happy with my grades but as people keep pointing out a 3.5 is GOOD. I'm so hard on myself - I know I could be doing much better if it weren't for the extraneous BS.

I guess I should touch on the disease thingie.

I have endometriosis. For those not familiar, it means cells from the inside of my uterus have made a break for it. They've set up shop in my abdomen and do what uterine cells do: bleed. Since the blood has nowhere to go, it pools up into cysts. Somehow these rogue cells also manage to build up scar tissue, binding organs together unnaturally. For a good portion of women affected by the disease, the symptoms are insane bleeding and pain during their menstrual cycle, and infertility.

Two years ago I had surgery to diagnose my chronic abdominal pain. It hurt, but not all the time. During the surgery, they cauterized some spots of endo they found and broke up some scar tissue that had built up, fusing my right ovary to my uterus. It took me a couple of months to feel 100% again and I thought that would be the end of it.

Sigh.

It started like it had before - weird tweaks and twinges in my rightside lower abdomen. Sometimes it would ITCH unbearably, deep in my belly. Soon the tweaks turned into pinches which turned into stabs. Still, it wasn't daily, and for that I was glad.

The pain has been getting worse, especially over the last two months. It's daily now and my regimen of 1/2 of a narcotic pain pill in the morning just doesn't cut it now. I can't remember the last time I had a pain-free day. Fighting with my doctor is a nightmare - even though I haven't upped my pain prescription in TWO YEARS, he "doesn't feel comfortable" prescribing any more. I get exactly five pain pills per week. Yeah, I'm a total junkie. (/sarcasm) My last visit to my doctor was humiliating. He had a student with him, and the first thing he said when I came in was, "So when are you going to kick the pain pills?" I laughed uncomfortably, thinking, "When are you going to cure my disease?" He then said, "You know you're not going to be able to pop a hydro and go deliver a baby at a hospital right?"

Okay, first of all, I do not "pop" hydros. I take my prescribed medication for a painful disease. Secondly, the other treatment for endometriosis (putting myself in a chemically induced menopause for half a year) is something that's in the works. I can't imagine putting myself through that while working, in school, buying a house, etc. The plan is December. We'll be in our house by then and I'll have a month off of school to get accustomed to the fun side effects of menopause. Until then though...

Good grief, but it hurts.